


Cats, Candor and Conversations

by crazyjane



Category: Star Trek: Picard
Genre: Absolute Candor, Boredom, Cats, Crack, Elnor is a softie, Elnor is lonely, Gen, Give Elnor a Cat, Raffi Has a Plan, Rios is so done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:55:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23571193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane
Summary: Elnor thinks cats are interesting. Elnor wants to learn more about cats.Raffi is here to help.
Relationships: Elnor & Original Cat Character(s), Raffi Musiker/Seven of Nine
Comments: 34
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It started out as a conversation about Elnor needing a pet cat. And then it got ridiculous. As these things do. 
> 
> Updates as often as I can churn them out. :)

Old sailors called it being ‘becalmed’. When there wasn’t even a breath of wind to push a ship across an ocean as smooth as glass, or when a sail was torn into pieces by a storm and needed days to repair. A dangerous time, when the lack of progress could lead to irrational, even violent behaviour among a frustrated, bored crew. Now, in the era of starships and warp travel, such times were rare. Only a major failure of systems or engines could produce the same conditions, fortunately, because drifting in space was far worse than drifting on the sea. It wasn’t like one could simply dive over the side and swim for a while to get away from all the little irritations provoked by forced proximity to other crew members. And the crew of _La Sirena_ was worse than most - a rag-tag lot thrown together by circumstance on a ship held together by spit and baling wire, still unused to each other’s idiosyncracies. Stepping on toes was unavoidable, but at least they had a sense of shared destinations with the promise of time away from each other on shore leave.

So _of course_ the universe (or God, or take your pick of any number of cosmic entities) decided that this was a good time to leave them stranded in space with malfunctioning warp _and_ impulse engines.

Everyone coped in their own way. Rios worked for as many hours as he could stay awake replacing parts, testing workarounds, and generally cursing at anyone and everyone who was foolish enough to interrupt him. Agnes and Soji talked philosophy and synthetic consciousness, sometimes joined by Picard whenever Laris ran out of patience with his incessant calls pestering her for news of the grape harvest, and hung up on him. Seven and Raffi engaged in a careful dance of risk and withdrawal, aware of their growing feelings for each other but knowing they had years of emotional walls that needed to come down, brick by brick.

And Elnor? Solemnly carried out the rituals taught to him by the Qowat Milat. Diligently practised his skills with the blade and hand-to-hand fighting. Cleaned up after meals. Explored the ship from end to end. Sat in on conversations that he either didn’t understand or realised all too quickly that perhaps he shouldn’t be present for. Learned not to interrupt the Captain for … well … anything. 

Elnor was bored. And, he admitted to himself, just a little lonely. 

Then one day, listening to Picard tell Soji a story about Commander Data and his pet cat, Spot, an idea occured to him. Unwilling to interrupt the conversation, he waited until Picard excused himself to make yet another call back to his chateau on Earth, and seized his chance. Without preamble, he said, ‘Admiral, I wish to learn more about cats.’

‘Yes, a very good idea, Elnor,’ replied Picard, only half-listening as he made himself comfortable with a cup of tea beside him, and starting to place his call. ‘Feline biology has been extensively studied. I’m sure that you could …’

‘Oh no, that’s not what I meant,’ Elnor interrupted. ‘I should have been clearer. I wish to learn about the experience of having a pet cat. Where do you think I should start?’

The screen in front of Picard lit up, displaying a weary-looking Laris. ‘Could we talk about this later, Elnor?’ asked Picard. ‘I need to speak with Laris about the _pigeage_ for the merlot.’ Laris sighed audibly.

‘I can help you with that.’ Elnor turned to see Raffi tapping away at a padd, which she held out to him. ‘Start with these.’

Elnor took the padd eagerly. ‘Thank you! Admiral, perhaps we can talk later?’ Without taking his eyes from the screen, Picard made a vague noise that sounded more like he was clearing his throat than actually answering, and launched into a long and highly technical spiel about tannin ratios and punching caps. Not for the first time, Elnor reflected that the process of wine-making often sounded suprisingly violent. 

‘You’d better leave him to it,’ said Raffi, beckoning Elnor away. ‘He’ll go on for hours. Besides, that should keep you occupied for a while.’ She indicated the padd.

Elnor looked down at the screen. ‘Are these ancient archives?’ he said. ‘The image quality is extremely poor.’

‘They’re converted from old video formats used in the 20th and 21st centuries on Earth,’ said Raffi. ‘There’s been some success in enhancement algorithms, but the source material was flawed to begin with. Here.’ She quickly tapped out a few commands. ‘Start anywhere.’

‘There are _millions_ of files here,’ Elnor marvelled. ‘Did everyone have a pet cat in those days?’

‘No, not exactly.’ Raffi fought to keep down a smile. ‘Taking video of cats was just very popular back then.’

‘And watching these will help me learn about pet cats?’

This time, Raffi couldn’t stop the grin; luckily, Elnor’s attention was glued to the screen, and he couldn’t see the mischief in her eyes. ‘Elnor, these will tell you everything you need to know.’ 

‘Thank you again!’ Elnor called as she beat a hasty retreat, already laughing.

Seven looked up from where she sat reading as Raffi approached. ‘What’s that look for?’

‘Oh, nothing,’ said Raffi, still grinning. ‘Just helping Elnor with a new project.’

‘Raffi, what did you do?’

‘Just wait,’ Raffi promised. She sat down opposite Seven, and stretched out her hand across the tabletop. After the barest hesitation, Seven covered it with her own hand. ‘I think things are going to get very interesting around here.’ Her communicator chirped. 'Yes? What is it?'

'Raffi,' came Elnor's voice. 'What is an L-O-L cat?'


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picard tried _very_ hard to keep his tone civil, but it was first thing in the morning, after all, and there was a Romulan between him and his first cup of tea, practically _bouncing_ with happiness. ‘Yes, what is it?’
> 
> Elnor either didn’t seem to care about - or more likely, didn’t even notice - the irritation in Picard’s voice. ‘I have made a significant discovery about cats!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This just gets sillier ...
> 
> So many thanks to solovei and galvelociraptor for their contributions to this story.

With the benefit of hindsight, giving Elnor unfettered access to every single funny or cute cat video salvaged from Earth’s archives was perhaps not the best idea Raffi had ever had. 

On the one hand, it kept him occupied for hours on end. The rest of the crew quickly became used to hearing his delighted laughter or besotted cooing, as Elnor took the padd with him everywhere on the ship. Everywhere except the dinner table, that is - Picard absolutely drew the line there, and banned all devices from the dinner hour. There was some grumbling about that from Rios, who claimed he needed to be able to receive updates from the ship at all times, but when it was pointed out quietly to him that complying would mean a respite from Elnor’s constant giggling, he subsided. It certainly made meal times more sociable, if considerably shorter. To his credit, Elnor wasn’t usually the first to leave the table, but he was always quick to follow Rios in excusing himself. 

There was something charming about the young Romulan’s obvious enthusiasm for his self-assigned research project, even if it did border on obsession sometimes. For example, upon discovering that Doctor Jurati had grown up with not one, but _two_ cats, for the next few days Elnor regarded her with something like awe and peppered her constantly with questions until finally she locked herself in the tiny lab she'd set up next to sick bay and refused to come out.

On the other … 

‘Oh, no!’ Elnor’s horrified exclamation rang out over the bridge, startling everyone out of their various maintenance tasks.

Raffi’s brow creased in a concerned frown. ‘What’s wrong, baby?’

‘The cat got its head stuck in a bag! Look!’ Elnor waved the padd in Raffi’s general direction. ‘It needs help!’

‘I’m sure the cat will be fine, Elnor …’ 

‘But no one’s helping it! Why doesn't someone help the poor cat? Why are they all _laughing_ at it?'

‘Because it’s funny?’ said Rios, perhaps unwisely.

‘It’s not funny! The cat can’t see! It could run into a wall or something and hurt itself …’ Elnor trailed off, seeing the barely-suppressed smiles on the others’ faces. ‘You are all very heartless,’ he declared.

Later that same day ...

'Raffi, I keep finding videos of cats getting their heads stuck. Why do cats do that? And why do humans let them? Do they like the idea that cats might hurt themselves? And look, that human child will squeeze the cat to death if someone doesn’t stop her. Why are humans so cruel to cats?’’

Several minutes of patient explanation about cat curiosity and ‘no animals were harmed in the making of this video’ followed. Only partially mollified, Elnor privately resolved that if _he_ were ever to have a pet cat, he would watch over it and keep it from getting its head stuck in things. 

*****

‘Doctor Jurati, may I ask you a question?’

Agnes sighed. ‘Of course, Elnor,’ she said reluctantly, and braced herself.

‘I read that cats always fall on their feet. In your experience, is that true?’

‘Well …’

‘Yes, it’s absolutely true,’ came Raffi’s voice from across the room. 

Thankful for the reprieve, Agnes turned back to her work. After a moment, though, she realised that Elnor hadn’t left. He was frowning down at the padd, obviously watching another video. ‘Was there something else?’ she asked, mentally adding _please don’t let there be anything else_.

Elnor turned the padd around to show her a looped video of an extremely fat tabby cat falling off a window sill. Despite herself, Agnes’ lips twitched, and she controlled the impulse to smile with an effort. ‘This cat does not fall on its feet. I have seen many videos, in fact, where a cat falls and does not fall on its feet. And yet all cats are supposed to fall on their feet.’

‘Elnor …’

‘Perhaps these are defective cats?’

*****

As Picard emerged from his cabin, he was virtually pounced on by a very excited Elnor. ‘Admiral!’

Picard tried _very_ hard to keep his tone civil, but it was first thing in the morning, after all, and there was a Romulan between him and his first cup of tea, practically _bouncing_ with happiness. ‘Yes, what is it?’

Elnor either didn’t seem to care about - or more likely, didn’t even notice - the irritation in Picard’s voice. ‘I have made a significant discovery about cats!’

Not for the first time, Picard seriously contemplated simply confiscating the padd. Or at least rationing Elnor’s access to it. What was endearing had become, in the space of three days, infuriating. ‘Elnor, perhaps we could discuss this a little later when I -’

‘Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t keep you from your cup of tea.’ Elnor stood aside, and Picard gratefully walked past. ‘You’re very grumpy before you have your tea,’ he added, falling into step beside him. 

Picard took a deep, steadying breath; even after all this time, it was hard to be confronted with honesty that bordered on outright rudeness. ‘Tea, Earl Grey, hot,’ he snapped at the replicator. Bringing the cup to his face, he breathed in the fragrant steam, and felt something like calm begin to return. He sat down at the table, and Elnor took the opposite chair. The fragile feeling evaporated. ‘All right, Elnor,’ he said, ‘what is your discovery?’ _And please make it brief_ , he didn’t add.

‘Look at this cat,’ said the Romulan, sliding the padd across the table. ‘Her name is Pufflebelle.’ On the screen was possibly the fluffiest creature Picard had ever seen, even fluffier than some of the tribbles he’d encountered over the years. Its face was set in what looked like a permanent scowl. As he watched, the cat repeatedly ignored the child of indeterminate gender who tried to pet it, finally climbing onto the lap of a man who protested loudly, then sneezed. ‘Do you see it?’

‘Ah … perhaps you’d better explain it to me.’

‘Look at how Pufflebelle doesn’t let that child pat her, even when the child gets upset. And now look, Pufflebelle shows her affection for the man even though he doesn’t seem to return it.’ Elnor beamed at Picard. ‘She makes her feelings known.’

‘I’m afraid I still don’t see …’

Elnor regarded the cat, now smugly enconsced on the poor man’s lap, with open approval. ‘Admiral, this animal appears to practise the highest form of absolute candor!’


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jolan tru, Zani ... I have to tell you about a discovery I made.
> 
> ***
> 
> In which Elnor writes home, and discovers that the naming of cats is, indeed, a difficult matter.

Jolan tru, Zani.

Admiral Picard suggested that I might like to ‘write’ to you. Of course, it is not writing, since I’m recording my image and voice. I think he is trying to find something to keep all of us occupied, because at the moment the ship is disabled, and we cannot continue to our next destination until Captain Rios is able to repair the engines. Apparently it’s called being ‘becalmed’, which is obviously not correct since there is no wind in space and the ship has no sails. The Admiral uses a lot of lies, which he calls ‘metaphors’. Anyway, because it has been several ship-days now, we are all quite restless, so that is why I am recording this message for you.

How is everyone at the temple? Has Sorusa completed her qalankhai training yet? Please tell her I wish her good fortune in her search for a cause. Raffi would say I’m keeping my fingers crossed, but obviously that’s impractical, and couldn’t really have any effect. 

I am well. There is enough space on the ship for me to carry out drills and exercises, although I miss having a partner to practise with. I’m also performing all the rituals I can.There is no bathing chamber here, though, so obviously I can’t do the cleansing rituals properly. I am making do with the shower in my cabin, I hope that’s sufficient.

The others are well, too, even though Captain Rios seems to be angry all the time. I think he’s frustrated that he can’t fix the ship as quickly as he wishes. 

It seems that Raffi and Seven of Nine - you remember her, from the Fenris Rangers, well, she’s joined the crew! Anyway, it seems that they have romantic feelings for each other, but they have not actually told each other yet. I don’t know why they don’t just say what they are feeling - clearly they want to be together, and it looks like not saying so is hurting them. I hope they’ll be candid with each other soon, because it would be good to see them happy.

Doctor Jurati and Soji the android are good friends now. I’m glad that Doctor Jurati has finally accepted that Soji isn’t going to kill us all.

I have to tell you about a discovery I made. I have been researching pet cats - you remember how Admiral Picard used to tell us about the android Data’s cat, Spot? Well, Raffi helped me by showing me an archive with several million historic video files, and I have learned a great deal. For instance, did you know that cats are so intelligent that they can perform very complex tasks? I have seen many videos of cats opening doors, feeding themselves, and even operating human machinery. But they are also very stupid, because they don’t know their reflection is not another cat. And they will hunt _anything_ , even light! I have been researching cats for many days, now, and there is still so much to learn.

Oh, but back to my discovery. Did you know that cats practise absolute candor instinctively? At first I thought it might have been only one cat, Pufflebelle, but I have found more and more examples. The one I found this morning was of a cat named Patches. He’s also called Sir Poops-a-Lot, but I don’t think that’s a name. Perhaps it’s an honorific? In the videos I have found of him, he pushes objects off shelves and tables. I don’t know why he does that, but it seems to make him happy. His companion - I have learned that someone does not own a cat - suspected this was happening, so she set up a camera, and when she had proof that Patches was the cause of all her things falling, she confronted him. And do you know what the cat did? He pushed an ornament off the shelf he was lying on, right in front of her, and it broke when it hit the floor. He looked right at her while he was doing it, too. He didn’t try to hide it at all, just like Pufflebelle didn’t hide which human she preferred. 

I could give you more examples, but I’m sure you can find them for yourself. Zani, I think cats would be an excellent addition to the temple, like in the ancient Earth culture of Egypt. Although the Egyptians actually worshipped their cats, which I suppose is understandable, since cats are highly evolved. I’m not suggesting that _we_ worship cats, of course. They could be a way of teaching children - I have noticed children respond very positively to cats, although if you did get some cats to live in the temple, you would have to be very careful not to let the cats get their heads stuck in things. It seems to happen a lot. 

I hope you’ll think about it, and if you want more information, I can send you more of what I’ve learned. 

Something else I discovered was that ships in ancient times - ones that sailed on the sea - often had cats that lived on board. They hunted the rats and mice that sometimes got onto the ship when they were loading cargo, and were considered part of the crew. Now, we don’t have rats and mice - at least I don’t think so, I haven’t seen any - but I wonder if we should have a cat living with us on _La Sirena_. And if it wanted to hunt, perhaps I could find some rodents for it? It’s something for me to think about.

Well, it’s nearly dinner time - the Admiral likes us all to eat together for the evening meal, which is good. It reminds me of home. 

I’d better finish this message now, because I want to do a bit more research. The Admiral doesn’t let us work through meals anymore. I’m not sure why. 

I will send another message soon. It’s good to have someone I can tell things to. The others are all friendly, but it’s not the same. I tried to talk to Seven of Nine about how much I miss Hugh. She told me she didn’t want to talk about it, and Admiral Picard always seems to have something to do when I try to talk to him. They both seem angry, but I think they might really be upset. Perhaps they’re protecting themselves from sadness? Thinking about Hugh makes me sad, especially when I think about how he was killed. I was supposed to protect him, and I failed. I’ve gone over the memory many times, and I know I couldn’t have prevented it, but still … I wish I … 

Please tell everyone I hope they’re well and happy, and you too, of course. And I hope you think about what I said about having cats live in the temple.

Goodbye for now, Zani. I love you.

****

‘Zani, this is a pleasant surprise. How are you?’

‘Admiral, I just received a message from Elnor.’

‘Is something wrong? He hasn’t said anything to us.’

‘It’s about his research project.’

‘Research project? … Oh, dear. The cat videos.’

‘Yes, he talked a great deal about them.’

‘He’s … very enthusiastic.’

‘I think there is more to it than enthusiasm, Picard. I can’t say what just yet, but you should watch over him better. He’s still very young, and he looks up to you.’

‘I … of course. I’ll talk with him.’

*****

_No time like the present_ , thought Picard. It didn’t take long to locate Elnor. The young Romulan was in Agnes’ lab again, gesturing at the padd in his hand. There was a certain frustrated edge to his voice, and Picard paused before entering to listen.

‘This isn’t right,’ said Elnor.

‘Elnor …’ Agnes sighed wearily, a sound that all but screamed _please go away and stop asking me about cats_. ‘I’m really very busy.’

‘You’re not busy. You’re watching the timer on your latest simulation.’

Another sigh, this one conveying a devout wish that the simulation would magically finish right now, before its estimated time. Of course, the simulation failed to oblige. ‘All right, what is it?’

‘Look at this cat,’ said Elnor, turning the padd so Agnes could see the screen. ‘This cat’s name is Mister Floof.’

‘Okay,’ said Agnes carefully.

‘Don’t you see the problem with that?’

Agnes shook her head. ‘I’m afraid I don’t.’

Elnor regarded her with incredulity. 'He is not floofy at all,’ he said, a definite unspoken _is there something wrong with your eyesight_ in there. ‘He has very short hair.'

Very much afraid she knew what was coming, Agnes asked, 'So?'

‘It’s unacceptable, a terrible thing to do to a creature of such perfect candor,’ declared Elnor. ‘This cat’s name … is a _lie_.’

Very carefully, very quietly, Picard backed away from the lab. 


End file.
